A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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