Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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