You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
