Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
