The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
