I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just cropdusted the office
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
