Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
