Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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