Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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