If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So apparently I’m into choking now
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
