Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
