i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
