woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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