I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
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You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
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He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So apparently I’m into choking now
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