I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
