So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
