Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
