Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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