my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
