Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
