Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
