Yo dont text me then not text me
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
