I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
