Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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