Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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