yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
