If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
