worst night to have a conscience
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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