i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
