Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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