i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
