I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
