Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
