did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
