she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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