You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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