I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
