I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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