Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
