Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
