Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
