nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
