My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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