mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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