I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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