Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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