Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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