you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
