I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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