Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
