We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
