I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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