Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
