I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
