Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
