I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
